Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse
by Vulcanblood
Summary: Silly fun stuff, rated T for drinking, and me being paranoid. NON SLASH. Total crack fic. ALLERGY INFO: CONTAINS OOCness, Processed on equipment that manufactures PURE EVIL and COMPLETE MADNESS; As found by various sane persone and cyborgs. R&R!
1. Bestest friends

**A/N: This is my first story, so bear with me while I play around with this. This one is mostly about Spock, McCoy, and Kirk on shore leave. Two of them get drunk. If you have any special requests for next chapter, tell me!**

**R&R please!**

* * *

><p>BESTEST FRIENDS<p>

Spock and Kirk were walking down the street, drunk as two skunks, and Chief Medical Officer McCoy was in between the two, supporting them with his shoulders.

"Doctor, you're my bestest friend ever" slurred Spock, while grinning foolishly

"That nice Mr. Spock, but as you can see, you are very drunk" replied Dr. McCoy, sighing heavily.

Kirk was asleep, and McCoy groaned from the weight.

Spock started singing, badly, and Kirk hummed along in his sleep.

"Scotty, three to beam up!"yelled McCoy into his communicator

"And weeeeeeee'll keep on fighten' till the end! Bah bah baaaam! Weeee arrrrrreee the champions. WEEEEEEEEEE-Mmph!"

Spock's singing was interrupted by McCoy's hand on his mouth. Spock sat down on a nearby bench where McCoy had laid Kirk, and he softly sang the Vulcan ABC's (or whatever they call them there) to himself.

"Remind me not to ever spike Spock's lemonade with cocoa powder again, Captain."

But Kirk just snored away.


	2. Gamma Shift Part I

**GAMMA SHIFT**

It was Gamma shift. Arguably the worst shift on the entire USS_ Enterprise, _when everyone else slept_. _Markus Steele and Avery O'Hare had dug out some ancient paintball guns and started a game in the hanger bay. The red team was winning by far. Blue had half of their men down and the stakes were high. As they ran from cover to cover, they were shot down, one by one. But suddenly...

"Hide!" Avery hissed, "Someone's coming!"

They scrambled to find a suitable place to stash themselves and their weaponry. A set of boots squeaked down the hallway adjacent to the hanger bay, and everyone held their breath as the door creaked open.

"Now what the hell is going on here? Don't try and hide, I know you're there!"

No one dared move. It was Chief Medical Officer McCoy, and he was notorious for having the worst temper on the entire ship. But they couldn't hide themselves for long.

"Fire!" Came the order, and everyone stood up and laid it on the poor CMO, painting him in oddly marbled shades of blue and red. They ran for it, high-tailing it to the door, and sprinting down the hallway. McCoy ran after them, swearing as he went.

"Damn kids!"

The chase was on. The ten ensigns in question did not know the punishment for having a paintball war in the hanger bay, and then laying it on the ship's CMO, but none of them were very keen to find out. They raced down the halls, passing other half asleep Gamma shift-workers, who quickly got out of the way when they saw the guns they carried, and the angry McCoy that followed. The ten ensigns ended up in the bridge, with their backs against the turbo lift doors.

"What the hell have we got ourselves into?" mumbled Markus, only to be quickly shushed by the others.

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: *dramatic music* Bah bum BAAAH! Yes i know, i didn't finish it, but the rest of it is in the works. I am still a newbie here, so if you have constructive critisism, please, please offer it. **

**R&R PLEASE!**


	3. Gamma Shift Part II

**A/N: Okeee... here's some more! At the wonderful suggestion from Firegrace I have included Scotty in this chronicle. Poor, poor, Scotty. But I also needed to introduce T'Rin And Han sorta poked in here too. Hmm... I wonder if Scotty could build me an ionic vacuum drive. And I also got him some blueprints for a lightsaber. I promise this time they aren't faulty! If you have ideas, PM me so you wont ruin the surprise. Or review. Or both! Its your call.**

**R&R please! (sorry about the lame attempt to replicate a Scottish accent. Those aren't typos)**

**Cheers! :D**

T'was a night on the _Enterprise_, and all through the ship, not a ensign was stirring, except those on gamma shift.

The ten were in trouble, their backs to the wall,

The Chief Medical Officer running down the hall.

They pleaded for mercy, but he didn't care,

They looked for a way to get the hell outta there.

He threatened, they panicked,

The hydro-lift jammed, they sighed with relief,

But then it was working, it went off with a beep.

McCoy, joined by Scotty, burst into the bridge,

Han Solo: Can we cut this rhyming crap?

Me: Shhhh! You are ruining the story. And... Hey! You don't even belong to this universe, so get lost.

Han: Um... I suppose I took a wrong turn down that last wormhole...

Me: *Sigh*... I suppose I have to give you your own story sooner or later. How does later sound?

Han: Fine. But I want a big gun.

Me: …back to the story...

"Wha've ye done te my silvar la'dy?" sputtered Scotty, "I saw what ye've done to th' hanger bay!"

Most of the ensigns were hiding, leaving three out in the open, Markus, Avery, and a ginger, half Vulcan, half Scottish-human, T'Rin. McCoy was surprised to see her, standing emotionless, next to her compatriots. The ship's CMO pushed an emotional Scotty away, who was on the verge of tears. Scotty slumped to the floor, quivering.

"T'Rin! What in blue blazes... How are you involved in this? I expect more of you, even after what you pulled last week." McCoy shook his head with the air of a disappointed father. T'Rin scowled, then thought better of it, and hung her head shamefully.

"We started a game of paintball, and it got a bit out of hand." she lifted her head, "Sir, it's Gamma shift. We got bored."

"Dammit Rinny, that's exactly what you said last week!" McCoy was angry. And colorful. But still angry. "Why can't you be more-"

"More what?" She inturupted, "More upstanding? More resigned? More conformist? More... Vulcan?" she spat with her Scottish accent, if her blood had been red, her face would have been ruddy. But instead, her the tips of her pointy ears and her cheeks were bright green.

"Now listen here missy!" shouted McCoy "I wasn't implying any of those!" but he quieted down. He knew what she meant, and how she felt. He laid a hand on her shoulder. "You know I would never compare you to Spock or any other of those bastards."

She rewarded him with a lopsided smile, and he clapped her on the back.

"Now all of you! Get down to the hanger bay and clean up!" he barked, and they scrambled to do so. "And if it isn't clean by alpha, the captain will hear about this, and you'll all be court martialed!"

The ten unlucky ensigns ran back to the hanger bay, and spent the greater part of four hours cleaning until it looked spotless. When they were done, they reported to a yawning McCoy, and a buzzed Scotty, declaring the completion of their task.

"Ohhh, no," he said with a smirk, "now you have to wash my laundry." They groaned. Could this get any worse? They washed his laundry, cleaned his quarters, and made the sickbay beds. They knew if word got out about the paintball fight, they would all be in big trouble. McCoy was content, and Scotty was drinking Scotch. What more could they ask for?

A/N Supplementary: McCoy knows the power of blackmail. Coming up next... Scotty and T'Rin are acquainted with the true power of Scotch.


	4. Scotch

Scotty, T'Rin, and Avery O'Hare, the only Scots on the ship were in Scotty's quarters hiding from life in general. They were over the whole "paintball incident," after all, they cleaned the hanger bay up quite nicely. T'Rin was enjoying herself immensely, they all were connecting over Scottish history. Sharing stories and trading legends, and then he brought The Scotch. And this wasn't just any run-o'-the-mill Scotch, this was genuine two hundred year old ceremonial Scotch, prepared using the ancient techniques and recipes. This was the king of all Scotch, and if it was drank by anyone other than true Scotsmen (or women), it was said that their blood would burn and their throat would be engulfed in fire. This was the true drink of Scotland. It had been used for centuries by the ancient tribes of Scotland to gauge the level of Scot blood in a man, or to punish intruders, and root out spies.

Scotty brought out the dusty bottle from it's hiding place

"I think its time." he stated somberly "Do ye believe yer ready? I don't think ye've had the ceremony yet, and as the eldest Scot' aboard this sil'ver la'dy, it's my duty to complete this."

"We are" both of them said, shaking in their uniforms. But determined and strong. T'Rin was especially scared. And she had good reason to be.

Scotty poured them each a glass. They drank deeply, and promptly sat down in their chairs.

T'Rin eyes closed. She saw her mother and stepfather in the kitchen, arguing, when she was seven. He had come home with no money, he had gambled it all away. She was yelling, he was yelling. He hit her, and her mother fell to the ground, but she had a stony look in her eyes. Her stepfather was coming, so she ran up the stairs as quietly as possible. Fast forward, it was the first day for her in the academy. At fifteen, she was the youngest there. It was hard for her, the classes were challenging, but it was better then having to deal with an abusive stepfather. Fast forward, it was the day she was accepted onto the crew of the _Enterprise _at the young age of eighteen. She returned home to visit her mother, and when she saw her, she was older, and more wrinkled, but still mother. And she had kicked her stepfather out. Her mother smiled, but her eyes were sad. They embraced, and that was all she needed.

"You're growing up so fast. Your father would be proud." her mother spoke these words softly, and T'Rin awoke from her vision. A single salty tear traced a path down T'Rin's face. Her father was gone. And no one could guess where, and no one could change it. But she could live in the present. Only the future held answers.

"Lassie," whispered Scotty, "your through the worst 'av it. You're a true Scot, through and through."

Avery sat next to T'Rin, both of them held their pounding heads.

"Oh, yes. I forgot to mention, seeing as you're both Scots, you won't have, or ever will, had a hangover, but this is similar. Seeing as you both are now impervious to drunkiness of all sorts." he gave a chuckle, and both of them covered their sensitive ears. "Now back to your quarters, Both of you lassies."

Both of the girls went to Avery's quarters and when the door was securely closed, fell on the couch and drifted off into peaceful sleep.

**A/N: I would like to say thank you to my free 'Word knock off word processor, even though it drives me completely crazy and psycho, I could not live without it, for I think I will never learn how to correctly spell the words ancient, recipe, and ceremonial. This was such a fun chapter to write. But don't worry, all will be revealed about T'Rin's father. I also hope I clarified why it is impossible for the Scottish to get drunk. Oh, and if you get the chance, look up the song "The logical song" by SuperTramp. BEST EVER. Seems perfect for T'Rin, don't you think?**

**Next chapter, I will be taking requests and suggestions and stuff. And yes, there will be Checkov. And maybe some Vodka.**

**Cheers!**

**:D**

**~VB~**

**EDIT NOTE: Dammit guys, you gotta review! *points to nonmembers* You guys too! I will not post another chapter until i see my review count break thirteen. For all you non-math-types, that means FOUR MORE REVIEWS FOR THIS CHAPTER. You guys got that? Good. And if you make me wait longer then two weeks, so help me I will set a drunken Chekov on you! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? THOSE BETTER BE NODS OF ACKNOWLEGEMENT OUT THERE! GOOD? Good. If i get more then fifteen there will be a special treat. Please and thank you!**

**(^,^) Hugs!**

**NOW REVIEW DAMMIT!**


	5. If you give a Russian a Cheeto

**A/N: Okay, excuses: Fanfiction blocked, Fish funeral, Playing in snow, AMYANDDAN. That's right. I'm blaming her. Yes I know its almost her birthday. Does that stop me from blaming her for everything (such as homework and snow down the back of my shirt)? Not at all. Oh, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY AMYANDDAN, I'm working on your present! And Jonesy, you can put the gun down. Please stop holding chapter four hostege. WARNING this is sorta a cliff hanger. REVIEWS MAKE ME UPDATE MORE FREQUENTLY! And now, with out further ado...**

Avery O'Hare and Pavel Chekov were seated next to one another in Rec-room 4. They had never really met before, sure, they had seen each other around the ship once or twice, but that was it. But these were the only seats left in the room. All the other Rec rooms were shut down due to last night's Gamma-shift "incident," mostly involving lots and lots of frozen peas. The replicators were burned out, and engineering was trying to fix them ASAP. Scotty and T'Rin were NOT happy.

Pavel was not very good at small talk, but he gave it his best. Avery cut him a break and soon they wer having an interesting conversation about the senior officers on the ship.

"Actually, verkink on the bridge is not as exciting as it sounds" sighed Chekov, "But once and a while we do get interesting business."

"Really?" said Avery, with mock surprise. She had a slight Scottish lilt to her voice, but not as much as T'Rin or Scotty. "And here I was under the impression you were in a perpetual state of drama and malcontent."

Both grinned, and Avery took a bite of her her lunch, which consisted of yogurt, strawberries, and Cheetos. Chekov looked at them quizzically.

"Wat might those be, Miss?" he inquired, "I have never zeen them before, vat are they called?"

"These?" she gestured at the Cheetos, "Oh, these are Cheetos. They were a popular snack in the late twentieth century and twenty-first century. Made of corn and processed cheese." she offered him one, and he popped it into his mouth. His eyes widened,

"Dis is good! These were inwented in Russia, vere they not?" Chekov inquired,

Avery rolled her eyes. Of course he would say that.

"So... Vhat are you doing next friday Ensign O'Hare?"

"Call me Avery"

"Avery then," he corrected himself. "Are you busy?"

Avery took on a look of mock contemplation, "Well, I don't really know, Markus and I were going too..." She trailed off, seeing the dismayed look on his face. "I'm jist pullin' your leg! I'm not busy."

Chekov grinned. _Score!_

_**Later that week...**_

REC ROOM TEN: 2100 hours

Sulu, lover of all things late 20th and early 21st century, especially video games, brought out his most coveted game system. The Nintendo Wii.

"Ahhh, gamma-shift." mused Markus "It's so horrible that no one suspects the crap we do."

Avery, Chekov, Markus, T'Rin, and Scotty watched on as Sulu hooked up the yellow, red, and white wires and plugged everything in.

"They never suspected when I 'modified' the navigation console" Sulu smirked. When he was done, he grabbed four remotes and handed one to Avery, Chekov, and T'Rin. He kept one for himself, and Markus frowned in annoyance. Sulu picked up a very old disc, and inserted it into the console. "Just Dance 2" he remarked. "Pretty good songs on here"

Sulu gave them a tutorial on the Wii, and soon Sulu and Chekov were fighting over the player one remote.

"Let me be player one! It's my console!"

"No!" remarked Chekov, "I vant to peeck the forst song"

Chekov scrolled through the list of songs until he came upon THE SONG, causing everyone to giggle.

"I vill pwn all of you!" he crowed, clearly pleased with himself.

They spread out a bit, and the music soon started, with Chekov singing along in a strong tenor.

_There lived a certain man in Russia long ago  
>He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow<br>Most people looked at him with terror and with fear  
>But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear<br>He could preach the bible like a preacher  
>Full of ecstasy and fire<br>But he also was the kind of teacher  
>Women would desire<em>

RA RA RASPUTIN  
>Lover of the Russian queen<br>There was a cat that really was gone  
>RA RA RASPUTIN<br>Russia's greatest love machine  
>It was a shame how he carried on<p>

He ruled the Russian land and never mind the czar  
>But the kasachok he danced really wunderbar<br>In all affairs of state he was the man to please  
>But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze<br>For the queen he was no wheeler dealer  
>Though she'd heard the things he'd done<br>She believed he was a holy healer  
>Who would heal her son<p>

(Spoken by Avery)  
>But when his drinking and lusting and his hunger<br>for power became known to more and more people,  
>the demands to do something about this outrageous<br>man became louder and louder.

"This man's just got to go!" declared his enemies  
>But the ladies begged "Don't you try to do it, please"<br>No doubt this Rasputin had lots of hidden charms  
>Though he was a brute they just fell into his arms<br>Then one night some men of higher standing  
>Set a trap, they're not to blame<br>"Come to visit us" they kept demanding  
>And he really came<p>

RA RA RASPUTIN  
>Lover of the Russian queen<br>They put some poison into his wine  
>RA RA RASPUTIN<br>Russia's greatest love machine  
>He drank it all and he said "I feel fine"<p>

RA RA RASPUTIN  
>Lover of the Russian queen<br>They didn't quit, they wanted his head  
>RA RA RASPUTIN<br>Russia's greatest love machine  
>And so they shot him till he was dead<p>

(Spoken by Avery) Oh, those Russians...

Sulu and T'Rin had left off in the middle of the song, watching Avery and Chekov dance and sing. It was something. Her mellow alto intertwining with his warm tenor, both of them dancing as if they had rehearsed together for months. It brought a tear to T'Rin's eye. _So perfect for each other,_ she mused.

Whenthe song ended, they fell on the deck laughing along with the others. Avery turned on her side to see Chekov lying beside her, with a lopsided smile. Unexpectedly, he wrapped his arm around Avery and pulled her into a kiss.


	6. One Last Kiss

A/N: Hey guys! I'm Back!

Han: Where did you go? Stang, I thought you died or something.

Me: I wasn't gone THAT long, I just go lazy and was working on other stories! Oh, and I met with some important officials.

Han: Oh? You didn't even write ME a story. And which officials are you talking about?

Me: Certain important ones!

Han: Certain _Republic_ ones?

Me: Possibly...

Han: Traitor! I just might have your smugglers license revoked! Were you canoodling with Obi Wan again?

Me: There was no first time! The time you "caught" us, we were just holding hands!

Han: Just?

Me: Go away if you want a story. I wrote this one in the dark of the night. Let me tell it.

Han: Is this one of your "sad-yet-funny-yet-romantically-painful" things?

Me: No...

Han: …

Me: Yes...

Han: Why?

Me: ...I don't want to talk about it...

Anyway, here's a depressing little chapter just for you! *point to you*

(Look for a secret cameo in this one by a certain person!)

**One Last Kiss**

**By Vulcanblood**

**Part I**

"Shore leave?" asked McCoy, desperate foe a break after the couple of missions, the last especially, when some damn fool had touched a suspicious looking plant AFTER Sulu had deemed it unsafe. Even though he was a doctor, McCoy could not cure ID10T syndrome, even as much as he wanted to.

"Yes Bones, shore leave." Kirk sighed with relief. They were nearing Beizen IV, one of the best planets for ship repairs and parts, but also with a high crime rate. The government was almost nonexistent. Nonetheless, Scotty would be thrilled.

Scotty, Kirk, McCoy, Chekov, Avery, Sulu, and T'Rin, beamed down to the planet's surface, checking communicators and phasers. Kirk brought the others aside.

"Be careful, Gangs rule this planet. Watch your items carefully." the others nodded in understanding. The group set off in search of a good repair shop with starship parts, Kirk leading, with McCoy, Chekov and Avery gazing into each others eyes with love, and T'Rin expertly flirting with Sulu and Scotty and the same time. Both men followed her every move, very aware of how snug her uniform dress was, and T'Rin noticed things about both of the men, such as how muscular and strong Scotty was... How warm and inviting Sulu's eyes were...

Her thoughts were broken off when she laid eyes on a familiar mechanic's garage, her bright green eyes widening.

"Captain! I know this garage. Could Mr. Scott, Mr. Sulu, and I check it out?"

Kirk was surprised. When did Lt. T'Rin come to such a scum-bucket of a planet as this?

"Well... It suppose it would be wise. Seeing that you know the area and all." he was not exactly happy, but he agreed nonetheless.

T'Rin, Scotty, and Sulu walked into the garage, and were met with a curious sight. A fox-like canid was partially underneath an old A-class star-runner, working on the internal components, his furry legs sticking out from underneath, along with a long bushy tail. He wore no shirt, only a pair of faded black denim jeans, and a chain running from a belt loop in the front, to the back, along with a belt of tools and small parts.

"Dax!" T'Rin called, but she winced when he bumped his head in surprise.

"T'Rin! Long time no see!" He pulled his head out from under the star-runner rubbing at the pain. "Still working for the oppressors?" T'Rin rolled her eyes

"Still working under the gang rule?" T'Rin reminded him, "I missed you too."

"Annnnnnd, there's the sense of humor I missed so much." Dax chuckled, which sounded more like a growl and a bark. "Now why are you three really here?"

"We require parts for our ship," cut in Sulu.

"Aye. An ionic coupler circuit with a complete elbow screw bracket," offered Scotty, "Ours is shot"

"Well, I may have just what you need! One moment please." Dax turned to the stairs on the other side of the garage. "SAM! Get down here!" A girl in a short sleeved tee-shirt and tattered jeans slide down the guard rail of the stairs.

"Whaaaat do you waaaant Mr. Fox?" Sam exhaled and blew the bangs from her eyes, "Pffft!"

"Just finish the job. I know you can do it."

"Whatever. Bit says you're a total axle-head, and I for one agree." Scotty and T'Rin snickered at the rude term, while Sulu looked at them curiously, obviously ignorant of the word "axle-head." Dax lead them to a room full of parts and pieces, with an adjoining office space full of paperwork. Scotty almost squeed with joy at the sight, T'Rin merely grinned as she watched him. He was like a kid in a candy store. Dax rummaged around in a pile of junk ("Not junk, merchandise") and pulled out the part they were looking for. He smiled brightly.

"Found it Rinny!" He handed the part to Scotty though, who frowned at the use of the pet name he had previously thought to be reserved to usage by only himself and Dr. McCoy.

"Something the matter sir?" inquired Sulu, who had noticed the frown.

"Nothing Mr. Sulu. I'll explain later." Dax and T'Rin had not noticed the exchange, instead, they had been engaged in a little catching up between themselves. The foursome made their way to the garage, where Scotty anticipated an emaciated star-runner, with Sam as the cause. Instead, they found the star-runner in better condition then when they had left, and a greasy handed Sam as proof of a job well done. Dax gave a wolfish grin, and looked over her handiwork.

"Nice! What did you do?"

"I messed with the spark-plug, and cleaned the intake valve. Oh, and I fixed the broken stereo knob in the front here." She pointed to the old stereo set in the front seat and turned it on and adjusted the volume, then turned it off. T'Rin pulled an old fashioned stopwatch from a small bag on her belt.

"Hmm..." she mumbled as she looked at the ancient clock face. "10.3 minutes. Impressive, but not as good as my record." Dax pushed her playfully.

"Rinny! That was six years ago! You were fourteen! Sam's only thirteen." T'Rin sighed.

"Well, as of yet, no one has beaten me! Not even you!" Dax narrowed his eyes and let out a growl. Sulu drew his phaser, but T'Rin grabbed his hand and lowered his arm.

"He's kidding Hikaru." But Sulu was not so sure. He put away his phaser, but still glared at Dax, who winked back, and took on a more nonthreatening stance.

"So, Rinny," said Dax, hands on hips, eyes questioning, " How long is your ship going to be in orbit?"

"About two, three more days at the most. We're here for shore leave." T'Rin grabbed his hand/paw/appendage-thingy and lead him and the others away. "C'mon, let's enjoy ourselves!" The group, now consisting of a canid, a half Vulcan, a thirteen year old, and two earth men, set out the see the sights of Beizen IV

Next: We hear the dramatic love story I have planned! And Han finally shuts up!

Han: Axle-head...

Me: Just shut up.


	7. CONTEST aka I NEED HELP

MMMkay... I thought, I prayed, I inquired, I EVEN MADE A POLL! But I still cannot decide between Scotty/T'Rin and T'Rin/Sulu! NOW! I need your help *points to reader* to decide on the love life of my favorite OC.

T'Lali: I thought I was your favorite!

Lizzie: Why not me!

Claudia: I'm new... Whatever...

Ne-Ne: Shut up whining humans.

Me: Whatever. Now, to make this work, I need you to tell me which pairing you like better and why. After a while, I'll count the votes and base my decision on that.

**BONUS POINTS:**

**If you can tell me which stories the following characters come from, I'll add an extra point on for every character you get right!**

**T'Lali:**

**Lizzie Sorenson:**

**Claudia Kelley:**

**Katiline:**

**Sunshine (She appears in two stories):**

**Author-chan:**

**V':**

**Ne humanus crede:**

**Jerard-sensei:**

**MAY THE BEST PAIRING WIN!**


End file.
